Comparisons of Computer People (Jokes)

So we've all met computer freaks like myself. And you probably realise that there are different kinds of computer people, right? So what's the difference among them? This document attempts to explain the difference between Computer Scientists, Hackers, Script Kiddies, and newbies in a humorous fashion. This document is licensed by the GNU public license (feel free to redistribute it how ever you like).

Text Editors
Computer Scientist: Emacs
Hacker: VIM
Script Kiddie: Notepad
Newbie: Ummm... Microsoft Word?

IDE
Computer Scientist: Well, they make us use Microsoft Visual Studio .NET 2003 at work, but I prefer Emacs.
Hacker: Fuck IDEs. Use VIM. If you must have someone hold your hand, Mono.
Script Kiddie: Ummm...JCreator?
Newbie: I don't know how to write a program

Operating System
Computer Scientist: Why don't they make patches for SysV anymore?
Hacker: I use Gentoo Linux, but I respect Slackware and LFS people.
Script Kiddie: Dual boot Windows 2000 and Mandrake.
Newbie: I love Mac OS X!!

Internet Connection
Computer Scientist: Dialup works for me. A couple megs of code doesn't take that long.
Hacker: Steal wireless from the neighbors, no one will ever know since I'm tunnelled through 4 proxies, use SSH tunneling, use a spoofed MAC address, meticulously configured IP Tables, and use a quality hardware firewall.
Script Kiddie: Not sure what my dorm has...DSL? It's fast. I can download movies in like...oh wait I wasn't supposed to say that :-o
Newbie: I love AOL!!

Software Piracy
Computer Scientist: ...is wrong. Programmers have families, you know.
Hacker: ...is stupid. If there's not already a GNU tool to do what you need, write one.
Script Kiddie: f33r |\/|3 3y3 4m 133T H@x.0RR!!
Newbie: Why is this such a big deal? I just borrow CDs at work, it's just like borrowing a movie or something.

Women
Computer Scientist: I've been married for years. Don't make me think about my women while I'm on my computer.
Hacker: "I don't know...I just get this feeling that she's cheating on me."
Script Kiddie: It's cheaper to download porn :D
Newbie: Oh yeah, I talk to girls all the time on AIM.

Leet Speak
Computer Scientist: I don't know what you're talking about.
Hacker: Is gay. Use real encryption if you have something to hide.
Script Kiddie: 5uz3r7y 3y3 D0
Newbie: That's so nifty! I think it's funny when my friends from political science do that on AIM.

Microsoft
Computer Scientist: I hate mice.
Hacker: Don't worry, eventually everyone will use GNU/Linux and Microsoft will fade away.
Script Kiddie: I like Windows. Everything "just works."
Newbie: Macs rule. The guy at the Mac store says that you can't get spyware or whatever in Macs.

IT News
Computer Scientist: HardOCP.com is a good place to look, although I don't have time to keep up with this new stuff.
Hacker: I hear about important stuff on IRC eventually.
Script Kiddie: Slashdot
Newbie: The New York Times


Think of one yourself? I've run out of ideas, so email it to me. Thanks!

Last updated 22 March 2005
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